Warning: It is illegal to visit this site of you are under age 18 due to the R-rated content. Even if you are an adult, some of the jokes are guaranteed to offend you, so if you don't have a twisted sense of humor, stop reading now.

How do you get a Jewish girl's number?
You roll up her sleeve.

What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady?

What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius

What did the black kid say when he had diarrhea for the first time?
"I'm melting!"

What's long and hard and makes women groan?
An ironing board.

How did Rihanna know Chris Brown was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

I came home one day and my girlfriend was packing her bags. I asked her what was going on, and she says through her tears, "You're a pedophile!"
And I said, "That's an awfully big word for a 6 year-old."

Why don't black people celebrate Thanksgiving?
Because KFC isn't open on holidays.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

Why can't ophans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.

A recruitment consultant calls a software professional.
She: Hello Sir, I have two openings for you.
He: Of course you do, but I am married.
She hangs up the phone.

What's worse than locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic?
Going back in to ask for a coat hanger.

Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?

What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator?
Two flies in a bottle.

What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

What's the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm using my hand,
But I'm thinking of you

Roses are red,
Violets are fine,
You be the six,
I'll be the nine.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Criminals are black,
Not racist, just true

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
"Keep the tip".

What did the the hotdog vendor at the bottom of the WTC say?
Who ordered the 2 jumbo's?

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

I was having sex the other day and I was starting to get tired so I asked the girl to "Get on top".
To which she replied, "You haven't raped many girls before have you?"

What part of a vegetable can't you eat?
The wheelchair.

What did the black guy get on his SAT test?
Barbeque sauce.

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

How do you get a fat girl in bed?
Piece of cake.

What did the black kid get for his birthday?
Your bike.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Punch her.

Why are most Guidos named Tony?
When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
Because she moans with the other.

What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

Roses are red-ish
Violets are blue-ish
If you don't have a foreskin
You're probably Jew-ish

Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Yeah, neither have they.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

What starts with "N," ends with "R," and is a word you never want to call a black person?

Why do black people keep getting stronger?
TVs keep getting bigger

What does a Jewish pedophile in a van ask a boy?
Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.

How did re-fried beans get their name?
Have you ever seen a Mexican do something right the first time?

A couple of hookers are standing on a corner as a police car slowly drives by.
One turns to the other and asks: "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies: "No, but I've been swung around by my tits."

Why are black people tall?
Because their knee grows.

How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?
Usain Bolt can finish a race.

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

What's a Jewish dilema?
Free ham.

What did the deaf, dumb, blind, downs syndrome, quadriplegic baby get for christmas?

What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation check to the food bank.

What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

Why do Asians have such squinty eyes?
Atomic bombs are pretty bright.

Roses are red,
Violets aren't magenta,
If you have a baby,
I'll eat the placenta

Why don't black people dream?
Because the last black person that had a dream got shot.

How do you make a hormone?
Punch her in the stomach.

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

What's soft and pink and has seven dents?
Snow White's hymen.

What's black on top but white on the bottom?
What's white on top but black on the bottom?

How do you outrun a Jewish cop?
Take the toll road.

What do you call a black man in a 3-piece suit?
The defendant.

Two terrorists are chatting.
One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.
"You see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." The second terrorist says, gently,
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

A Mexican and a black man sit in a car, who is driving?
The cop.

Two pedophiles sunbathing. One goes to the other, "Will you get out of my son!"

What's a used tampon good for?
A tea bag for a vampire.

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out...he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy"...
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

What is a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?" The father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob." So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out. "Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries. "Oh yeah, I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."

What do you call an epileptic in the forrest?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
How much for flowers?
Typical Jew

What do you call a dead baby with no arms or legs laying on the floor?

What do you call a dead baby floating in a river?

What do you call a dead baby sitting in a ditch?

When does a black guy become a nigger?
When he leaves the room.

Hitler walks into a staff meeting, and says to the top Nazi party officials, "I want you to organize the killing of all European Jews and two hedgehogs." Himmler asks Hitler, "Why the two hedgehogs, sir?" Hitler then smiles and exclaims, "See, no one cares about the Jews!"

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What do you call a cow that has had an abortion?

What's 6 inches long and starts with a p?
A shit.

Apparently, 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile.
Not me though, I live next door to a really sexy 10 year-old girl.

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

How do you stop a black kid from bouncing on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.

What's the definition of Trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

How many babies does it take to decorate a bathroom?
Depends how hard you throw them.

How do you stop black people from hanging out in your back yard?
Hang one in front.

How did the cops know princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders on the dashboard.

Why are crippled people always picked on?
Because they can't stand up for themselves.

Anal sex is like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a kid, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

What do you call the useless skin around the vagina?
The woman.

What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
Blood brothers.

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the dog.

What do you do if you find a big black coffin on your doorstep?
Give him a bag of Vicks and tell him to fuck off.

What makes 9 out of 10 people happy?
Gang rape.

When does a pentagon have 4 sides?
When it intersects a plane.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.

Did you know you can't say black paint without offending someone?
You have to say "Tyrone, paint my house" instead.

What's black and sits at the top of a staircase?
Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

Roses are red,
Rohypnol is white,
That's why you are mine,
All fucking night

Why do women have small feet?
It allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.

How do you make a clown cry?
Kill his children.

What did the Native American say to the white woman when she tied his penis in a knot?
"How Come?"

"Mummy,where does Poo come from?" "Well Son,when we eat something,it goes down into our tummies,gets all mushed up & comes out of our bottoms as poo." "Oh ok, then what about Tigger?"

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A white boy, jimmy, and a black boy, jamal, are in the same kindergarten class. One day the teacher asks them to recite the alphabet. Jimmy goes first and gets through it perfectly. Jamal goes next, gets to h, stumbles and can't finish. That night, Jamal asks his mom why jimmy could recite the abc's and he couldn't. His mom responds with "that's because jimmy is white and you are black." The next day, the teacher asks them to count to 10. Jimmy again goes first and gets through it perfectly. Jamal goes second, gets to 4, stumbles and can't finish. That night, Jamal asks his mom why jimmy could count to 10 and he couldn't. His moms response was the same, " because he is white and you are black." The next day, while in the bathroom, Jamal catches a glimpse of Jimmy's penis. That night he asks his mother, "today I was in the bathroom and saw Jimmy's penis and mine was much bigger than his. Is that because I'm black and he's white?" Jamal's mother responds with, "no Jamal, that's because you are 18 and he is 5."

How do you get 4 gay guys to sit on 1 stool?
Turn it upside down.

Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly,
Grease up your flaps,
Cuz' here comes my willy

Roses are crap,
Violets are wanky,
Oooh I've just cum,
Pass me a hanky

Just finished wall papering my daughter's room with Taylor Swift wallpaper.
The paper was expensive, but at least I didn't have to spend anything on paste.

A good woman is like a good bar - liquor in the front, poker in the back.

Crossword clue:
Question - A famous Jewish Baker. 6 Letters. Answer - Hitler.

Girl to boy:
Girl "where do you come from?"
Boy "the end of my cock"

What did God say when Eve jumped in the lake?
Fuck, now the fish are going to smell like that.

What is long and hard on a black man?
The fourth grade.

What's long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.

A baby seal walked into a club.

Did you hear about the two car pile-up Mexico?
200 people died.

What's a 6.9?
A good time interrupted by a period.

Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide?
He got himself into a real stew.

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

I probably didn't help my case when I went to court for child molestation charges today, when the judge asked how 6-10 years sounded, I replied "sexy".

Why shouldn't women be allowed to drive?
There is no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Roses are straight,
Violets are twisted,
Bend over love,
You're about to get fisted

Roses are crap,
Violets are shit,
Sit on my face,
And wiggle a bit

A women goes to her doctor and he notices she has a black eye. He asks her about it and she breaks down crying and says her husband comes home drunk and beats her all the time. The Doctor says well I fix that for you next time he comes home drunk, drink this and gargle it till he goes to sleep. One month later she goes back to the doctor happy and bruise free and asks what was in that mouthwash? Nothing, You just needed to shut the fuck up.

What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic.

A girl is flirting at a bar and says "Tell me it's true what they say about black guys".
He then proceeds to stab her 37 times and steal her purse.

Did you hear about the leper hockey game?
There was a faceoff in the corner.

Why can't Mexican high schoolers take drivers ed and sex ed on the same day?
Too much work for the donkey.

What do you call an Indian dating service?
Connect The Dots.

I was at an Indian restaurant last night when the waiter came over and said,"Curry ok sir"?
I said ok one song then fuck off.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

How does every ethnic joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile

What does WIFE stand for?
Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.

So, I was eating out this girl, and I tasted horse semen.
Then, I looked at her and said, "Oh grandma, so that's how you died!"

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

A vagina is like the weather.
Once it's wet, it's time to go inside.

What have women and condoms got in common?
If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

What's the difference between pink and purple?
The grip.

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
Very satisfying.

How do you make a dead baby float?
1 scoop of ice cream and 2 scoops of dead baby.

What kind of bees produce milk?

What did the black woman name her 5 sons?
Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone.
How did she tell them apart?
She just called them by their last names.

Roses are awful,
Violets are the pits,
Lift up your shirt,
And show us your tits

Roses are red,
My soul's pure and white,
I have two lovers,
The left and the right

Roses are red,
and so are my lips,
so sit on my face,
and wiggle your hips

Roses are red,
Violets are finer,
Chickens are fowl,
Just like your vagina

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Why are pubic Hairs curly?
So they don’t poke your eye out.

Why don't jews like oral sex?
It's too close to the gas chamber.

How do you starve a black guy?
Hide his food stamps under his work boots.

I want to open a Jewish strip club and call it Auschtits.

What's black or white and red all over?
An interracial abortion.

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking down the street when they see a 7 year old boy come out of a candy store.
The Priest says "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid with me?"
To which the Rabbi replies "OUT OF WHAT?"

Did you hear about the new radio station WPMS?
It has a monthly programming cycle that is three weeks of the blues followed by one week of ragtime.

What is the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.

What do elephants use as tampons?

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it, we’re closed.

Roses are red,
It's elementary,
Let's ring up a friend,
And try double-entry

Roses are red,
Lettuce is green,
I like both your legs,
And what's in between

Roses are shit,
Violets are crap,
Show me your clit,
And I'll cum in your lap

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.

What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

Two sperm are having a race. One sperm says, "My arms are killing me with all this swimming, are we near the womb?"
The second sperm says, "Not for a long time yet, we've only just gone past her tonsils!

Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
So they don't whistle on the way down.

What do you call two fat people talking?
A heavy discussion.

I jerked off over a blind girl yesterday.
She never saw me coming.

What's green, slimy and smells like ham?
Kermit the Frog's finger.